Moving to the country filled me with resentment toward my husband that I never expected. He was living his dream, while I was nowhere near living mine. I had allowed this resentment to root deeply and the filter it produced was all gray. I did not and WOULD not ever enjoy living here. Everywhere I looked I saw more reasons why I hated it here.
People will remain in their mindset as long as it serves them.
This resentment served my internal martyr. I was sacrificing MY dreams for my husband to live HIS. It served my negativity when needed. It served for excuses to partake in things that provided pleasure to me all while aggravating my husband, like smoking and drinking in excess. I had an excuse for every perceived negative in my life now, but after two years of living this way, I finally asked myself...to what end?
These concepts are so deeply hidden in our subconscious that it really takes an “aha” moment for it to be revealed to our conscious mind. This is what happened to me about a month ago when I was visiting a close friend.
After I had expressed my disdain for the country, Andy said something to me that weighed heavily on my heart. I am quite certain he was unaware that his words would help turn a page for me – but that is exactly what occurred. He said, “Remember that life happens FOR you, not TO you”. Whaaaat? He was right. It wasn’t immediate, it was more like a seed being planted within, whereas the more I watered that thought with internal review as to how I can turn this “to” into a “for” the more it grew. I woke up about a week ago with the realization that I had begun the horrible spiral down into hopelessness and that my negativity no longer served me….just as my abusive alcohol consumption and secret smoking no longer served me. So I began to pray and meditate.
I have been a bit reclusive during the past week, but using that time to search and find the thing that makes me feel “right” with life...and I found it...again! My spirit! For me, I need to feel spiritually connected in order for everything else to fall into place with my life. As I have reflected on what I perceived to be the best years of my life, they were all during years of seeking God. I used to laugh at older people finding religion as if they were cramming for a final. But I’ve come to realize that the greater mass of humans are simply too focused on living their lives and all other earthly things than to make time to feed the spirit. The youth focus on learning and growing; teens focus on acceptance and blending in; young adults usually push boundaries and expand their minds providing themselves with a sense of knowing everything; adults focus on responsibilities, jobs, family, their needs and their wants; and finally, the older crowd who often realize most of that stuff never mattered – so yes, we have time to focus more on our spirit. So, maybe it simply does take getting through most of your life to hear and feel spiritual wisdom, and to feel God’s presence.
Maybe I have been just another prideful wild horse refusing to be broken to a life in the country…until I could calm down and recognize it just might be the best thing “for” me right here, right now.
Andy is a curious soul with INFJ-T personality who likes to examine life closely and lives for those moments of deep revelation and spiritual connection.